Ok, so now what?

Been a weird week.  Sunday night 'Joe' came down, we watched movies until shortly before 6am, then I woke up the girl for school and passed out cold for about 5 hours.  Got the boy sent over to his grandmothers and 'Joe' and I headed out for our 'date day'.  Headed up to Niagara Falls, parked and walked to Mr Sub to eat lunch, and then to Starbucks for a frappuccino.  Then we walked forever down to the falls.  Hung out watching the water for a bit, and then bought tickets for Journey Behind the Falls (which was cool because it was one of the few things I've never done there before).  Was awhile before it started so we walked allllll the way to the Botanical Gardens and wandered around.  Then walked all the way *back* to the Journey behind the Falls building.  It was pretty cool, had fun, got some nice pics.

So then we walked back towards Clifton Hill, by this time my legs were begging to just be left alone to die.  We start walking up the hill when all of a sudden he stops and turns to me and asks, 'Do you trust me?'  And I'm all 'uhhh...what?'  So he asks me again and I say 'Um, I don't know?' So he drags me into the Haunted House and I'm like ahhhhh no.  I put up a bit of a fight...but he still won.  I made him go first and clutched either his shirt or his arm the entire time (which I think was probably his plan :P) 

Anyway, after that fiasco, we made it to the top of the hill alive, where I had to stop for awhile.  We started discussing dinner, and had decided on the casino buffet.  Then I realized it was like a half hour walk away still and I almost started to cry  lol  All of a sudden TGI Fridays loomed and we changed our mind and ate there.  Food was great, but then when we left, I realized not only was it still fucking hot but now I was also so full I could barely move....and the car was still 30 mins away.  We finally made it to the car, with me turning into somewhat of a whiner on the way.  Got home, talked to the kids and then he left to head home since its a little over 90 mins away and he had to be at work for 3:30 the next morning.

He said he would like to come down again Thursday night/Friday so I said that was fine.  The day out felt like a day out with a friend though.  And I told him that.  Also told him that maybe it will just take some time to get over the 'friend zone' thing.

So he comes down Thursday straight from work in his little airport uniform, and again, we watched movies and stuff most of the night.  Next day I wasn't feeling too great, so we didn't do much.  Went out for lunch, took the girl to her dads house, and then just came back here and watched another movie before he left.

Again...still no different than just hanging out with a friend.  I like the guy, he's thoughtful and sweet, gentle mannered, and doesn't act like he's 9.  But there's no 'spark'.  I don't know whether it's because I've only seen him as just a friend for so long or what, but I knew that it wouldn't be able to turn into anything serious.

I talked to him about it yesterday and needless to say he was a little crushed.  I felt like crap for hurting his feelings, although not intentionally.  He logged off and said if I wanted to talk to him later I could call, but that he was getting off the computer.  I didn't call because I didn't know what to say.  We spoke today while he was at work, and he said he was better and I let him know why I didn't call.  Things seemed to be ok but I could tell the dynamics had changed.
 
Now...he had been seeing this other girl when he told me that he had feelings for me.  He had told me about her previously and told me how somewhat crazy she was and that he was ending things with her as soon as he could see her in person again (which was supposed to be before he came down here the first time but she canceled).  Now he's not the player type, he's always been committed and loyal, so I wasn't worried that's that what he was doing.  So all this time we spent together this past week, he had still been technically dating her, though she hadn't so much as talked to him in a week. 


So he tells me that tonight he's going to her place to finish things off.  Then tonight he tells me he didn't, that she was 'very' happy to see him and had missed him etc and how different her attitude was this time.  So now I'm wondering if he was going to break up with her only if I said 'yes' and that because I didn't, he's staying with her just as a fallback type thing...he said he didn't want to stay with her just because he was lonely, but...I dunno, it seems weird. 

We'll see what happens, I do kind of miss talking to him as much as we had been in the last little bit, but I also know if I were to decide to give things a try, in the long run it wouldn't work.  There's just none of that relationship attraction going on at all.  Maybe it's time to check out the dating sites again and end up with some great stories to share :p

One of the underground tunnels we were in.  That opening right there?  Yeah that's Niagara Falls, we were in a tunnel behind it.  I was impressed.

I was *not* expecting that...

My mind = blown today.

Today turned out to be *real* interesting.  Talking to a friend of mine, we're going to call him...uh...Joe.  Yeah, Joe works.

So, I first met Joe about, oh...12 years ago or so.  I honestly can't remember exactly, I just know it was before my daughter turned 2, but I'm not sure how much before.  There was a bunch of us that would hang out fairly often.  Anyway, we've all been friends for a long time, had those times where people drifted apart for awhile, either when someone moved or life got busy, the usual stuff.

Joe and I would talk online every once in awhile, and he was telling me several months ago he was coming to the area for a few days and maybe he could swing by to catch up.  I thought that would be cool, I hadn't seen him in ages, he hadn't seen my kids in years and vice versa.  So he came by one evening, without his kids unfortunately, and we sat around in the dining room, drinking coffee and catching up for hours.  So texted for awhile after that visit, just here and there, to say hi, or we would chat online sometimes....typical friend stuff.

Time goes by, I'm not online as much, but we both happen to be online today and start chatting as usual.  Normal stuff for us, talking about failed relationships, how bummed we are sometimes, that sort of thing.  He knows I'm dealing with a lack of car, no job, and the every struggles that come along with both.  So he does a tarot reading for me, and I was actually pretty impressed.  It basically outlined the things going on in my life...the fact that I'm so worried about working and a car and finding a relationship that love could be right here and I wouldn't even know it because I'm so preoccupied with everything else.  The obstacles that are in my way and the chances I need to take.

So we're chatting about it and I was telling him that he's right, but that I don't think there's really any relationship type stuff going on as these days.  I'm not talking to many guys, and the ones I do talk to, are only on a professional level (for my volunteer work) or friends involved in the volunteer stuff that I'm good friends with and we joke around and such.  Basically no one that I really talk to that could theoretically be someone who's interested.

So he tells me: 'Well, to be blunt, as an example, I've always been attracted to you. I know I'm not on your list of people, but if there's people like me around, there's likely more'  So I'm all sort of  'Oh...um..that's interesting, I never knew that.'  Then told him that it's not that he's not on my 'list' (which I don't actually have..) just that I've only ever seen him as a friend because that's just simply what we've always been.  I mean when I first met him, he was engaged, and then I was shortly after, so it was always just being friends.

He said he wasn't presuming anything but that he thought it would be useful for me to know I was desired.  Then said that he'd be happy to take me out, but to not feel pressured, that the Tarot reading was an honest one, not a covert way to say 'you're hot' which of course made me laugh.  He said he did his own reading, and it basically said to 'tell her and don't be a coward' but also to go about it in a sagelike way.  So then he decided to just be blunt about it and asked if I'd like to go out on a date. 

I honestly had to think about it because he's always been just a friend, and after this many years, it was weird to think of him in any other way.  But I also thought 'what the hell' and said yes, as long as there was no pressure on either of us.  So we're going out on Monday most likely (he does live a couple hours away).  So we continued to chat for awhile, sort of getting into the 'I already know you pretty well, but let's take this a little deeper' thing.

We took a break from chatting, he had to go feed his kids and said he'd be back after they went to bed, and so when we started chatting again, I asked him exactly how long 'quite awhile' was that he had been attracted to me/had these feelings.  He said basically 10 years.  WTF?  10 years and he never once said anything.  He said the timing was never right, either he was involved, or I was, or had just *been* involved with someone and he'd feel like a cretin saying anything after me just having gone through a breakup. 

He told me the night he came to visit here, he stayed so late because he was trying to work up the nerve to tell me.  That was sort of an 'aww' moment. 

So, I guess I see where things go from here.  I've known him for a long time, as just a friend, and I'm not sure how easy it's going to be, to be able to look at him any differently.  I also worry about that friendship cliche.  Don't want to ruin the friendship, blah blah.  In this case, it's very much true though.  We've been friends for so long, I would hate to date him, have things not work out and then lose him as a friend.  He says no matter what, he'll still be here for me...except he's the kind of guy that I actually believe him when he says that :P 

I very much dislike hurting people's feelings though, and I'd feel pretty horrible if it didn't work out, if the 'spark' just wasn't there.  But I'm willing to give it a shot, what else is there to lose?  If nothing else, I get to spend some extra time with a good friend.  Joe.  *nods*

Oh hai

Well, obviously nothing too interesting has been going on lately in the wonderful world of dating.

But I figured I'd write a little something anyhow since I'm bored out of my damn mind.  School for the kiddos are done...The Girl graduated from Grade 8, with honours, was very proud of her.  The Boy finished Grade 5 with the top marks in his class and won the Profiency award for the year, scoring a trophy and a certificate.  All in all, I'm happy and proud of both of the smartypants.  I must have done something right somewhere along the line.

Dress shopping for the girls grad was interesting...she hasn't worn a dress since she was probably 3 years old.  2 of her friends came with us since, you know, I'm just the Mom :P

We had fun though and she found a super awesome dress and shoes, and was apparently the talk of the evening during and after grad.

The boy earned his second stripe for his yellow belt in Japanese Jiu Jitsu, that was pretty exciting, he's learned so much. 

That's about it for my exciting life.  Talked to D the other night about 'us' stuff from before.  Also I can't remember if I've ever talked about him before.  I suppose that might help.  He was the first guy I dated again after my ex husband and I split up.  A friend of mine in the states introduced us online, and we started chatting..which quickly turned into the inability to be in constant communication.  It was just one of those very rare instant things you get with someone.  He lived a few provinces away but came here every few weeks for work.  It worked out very well because we were forced to sort of take things slow and get to know each other real well.

We had a ton of stuff in common, but also had our own things to do and all in all it was turning into a really good situation.  I was absolutely mad about him and we seemed to his this amazing, yet odd, connection.  I remember having a BBQ here once while he was down for a few days, had the bestie and her fam over, as well as another friend and her son, and both of them said to me how you could tell it was just 'there'.  Even my parents, who met him because we went to a biker party that they were at, took to him immediately.

8 months or so go by, when out of the blue he tells me that he met another girl, from *my* province, at work, and that he wasn't sure how he felt about her so thought we should split up until he could work things out in his head.  Fair enough.  Not that anything changed, we still talked to each other pretty constantly, but then he tells me he's going to be staying with her.  He ended up quitting his job (which was a *very* good one) and leaving his son to move here to be with her.  Got a tattoo of her name (in some other language) on him, and that was that.

To say I was devastated, is a severe understatement.  It was so hard for me to understand that something that seemed so right and utterly perfect to me, was not felt by this other person.  How can one person have such strong feelings and connection to someone, and the other person not feel the same thing?  It boggled my mind.  D was a big believer in putting things out in the universe, and listening to what it was telling you.  The day we 'officially' broke up, he was actually driving to Sask, and we were on the phone, both of us bawling our eyes out.  He had satellite radio in his car and listened to the same channel every time he was in his car.  I used to tease him that the other buttons must be broken.  While in the middle of this tear filled conversation, I hear 'What the hell?' so obviously I ask what...he says 'I've never heard this song on this station before' and he started crying again...so I asked him what song and it was Hate Me by Blue October (coincidentally one of my favourite songs) so we both sort of sat there in (almost) silence listening to it through his radio. 

The next song comes on, and it's Daughtry...What about now...one of the songs we listened to fairly frequently when he was here.  Next up, Taylor Swift with Our Song, followed by a song he actually introduced me to that I fell in love with, Weak in the Knees by Serena Ryder.  It was safe to say that by this time we were both fairly speechless with these songs, which was a pretty good mix of genres, that typically were never played on this station.  We were quiet for a minute, and I told him that maybe it was his turn to listen to what the universe was trying to tell *him*.

Anyway, after the break up, we decided to maybe not talk for awhile because I was basically a blubbering mess anytime we talked.  We couldn't seem to do that either.  It's been 4 years and we can't seem to not talk for more than a couple weeks.  That connection is still there, for me anyway, and obviously in some part, for him, as I leave it up to him to contact me.  Which he does with frequency.  He talks to me about his life now, and how much it's changed.  He's basically a live in servant who caters to her childrens needs, yet she didn't want his son to come and live there because she didn't want 'to do the mom thing again'.  

So we're talking a couple nights ago while he's at work and not really having anything to do, and suddenly said that Hate Me just came on and I sort of laughed at that, and he said it still makes him cry sometimes when he hears it and I told him the same was true for me, along with other of 'our' songs.  I told him I don't know what I'll do when I can't talk to him anymore because even though we aren't together, I can't imagine my life without him in some small way.  And that we still have this weird connection and I had no idea why since obviously things weren't going to change.  He got a little upset and said it wasn't weird, and that we were friends.  I told him really we weren't, because we're not allowed to talk on the phone, voice chat on the pc, or text.  The only time we can talk is if we happen to be online at the same time and type to each other.  He said that made it sound sad, and I said it doesn't sound sad, it *is* sad.

I told him that basically I don't think I'll ever understand. How such a good thing could have gone so bad, and that it's very hard for me not to compare anyone I meet to him.  I just don't think I'll ever find someone who I seemed to fit so perfectly with.  I told him point blank that I miss it.  For the first time he admitted he did as well.  Then he had to get back to work, awesome timing.  I try not to hold much hope that things will change, but at the same time it seems impossible to believe that things *won't* work out.  My 'deep down feelings' flip almost daily. 

Ok, so that was a lot more than I had planned on writing tonight, and I'm sure no one particularly cares, but I feel better writing it down so that's what matters :P

I went with a friend of mine to watch the fireworks here in town last night, he picked me up in his Mustang, I seriously love that car.  He's got it all decked out and while we were looking for a place to park, kids kept pointing at the car, which amused me.  Then we walked forever.  Fireworks were pretty decent, all things considered.  We stuck around to watch the band play for a bit, was a cover band called Jonesy, pretty decent as well.  Walked forever again to the car, and then came back here to watch Grown Ups, because he has the same weird sense of humour I have and hadn't seen it before.  Was a good night overall, was nice to get out of the house. 

As a side note, never wear pajama shorts in a leather chair.  I just moved and left half of my skin on the chair.  Not cool chair.

Also went with my mom and her friend to the Friendship Festival yesterday, we walked around and looked at the craft booths and stuff, nothing too spectacular although I did score some maple fudge candy things.  Which ended up melting a bit.  Then I ended up squashing them completely and had to put a baggie full of maple flavoured mush into the fridge when I got home.  Oh, and I got sunburned on my arms, face and top of my head.  Then I keep forgetting and I scratch my nose, or my cheek and then I want to cry.  Awesome.

                                              The Girl after grad with her medal and certificates