The invisible sentence that must be on my forehead.

I think it says something along the lines of 'Hey losers!  I'm single, pick me!'  Ok, so my forehead isn't that big, but still.  There has to be some sort of sign on my back, or SOMETHING.

Those that know me, know I haven't exactly had the best of luck in the relationship department.  Why, you might ask?  I have no fucking idea.  I think I'm a nice person.  I don't think I look like a hag.  I'm a gamer and I like movies besides chick flicks.  I mow the lawn when forced to, have learned how to BBQ without setting anything on fire, am smart and don't act like I'm 14.  I don't play head games, I try to help people when I have the means to, and I don't like the way most women think.

My first 2 relationships resulted in 2 kids.  My 3rd relationship resulted in marriage, which then resulted in divorce.  Then I met D, online, through a mutual friend.  We hit it off immediately, and spent the next few weeks talking every spare moment we had, before we met.  We dated for about 6 months or so before that was over.  Probably the best 6 months I ever had with someone.  Ok, so fine.  Then I met a seemingly nice guy, who after a couple of months tried to get my best friend into bed with him.  Ok, so that's done.

I had joined some of those singles sites online.  The people on there astounded me.  I found myself wondering where the real people had gone.  Most of these people could not even form one single complete sentence.  I found myself getting messages that went along the lines of, 'how r u'  Ok, first of all, punctuation please.  Secondly, am I not worth the 5 seconds it takes to actually type out 'are you'?  Do you really have to shorten that?  It drives me insane when people type like that, and that may be my one stuck up move, is that when people message me, and have used those short forms, I don't even answer them anymore.  Or I do, and shorten *everything* so much, they have no idea what I'm saying....and then they think I'm the messed up one.  I had one, who after every message would say 'get back'.  Like 'Hey, how's it going?  Get back'.

What?  Are you being literal?  Should I step away from you?  Oh, you mean 'Get back to you'.  I'm sorry, I left the 80's behind me 20 years ago.  I honestly should have kept a text file of all the fucked up messages I got, up to and including 'How big are your boobs?'  to detailed information on what they like in bed.  In their first message to me.  You wonder why you can't get girls?  So, most times I can just laugh it off, ignore it, or message back being an ass.  But then....I get *this* little tidbit:

'If u cried I suck ur tears & keep them in my soul ....... '  followed shortly after by this:

'And if u were a tear in my little eyes i never try to cry as i would be fear to lose my Heaven. But if u cried i suck ur tears and keep them in my soul till i am alive'

Ok, what?  First of all, stop sucking my tears.  They're mine and you can't have them.  Secondly, apparently I am Heaven, so screw all of you.  I win.  Lastly... Does this mean you are dead without my tears?  If so, you have more serious problems than your punctuation, spelling, sentence structure, etc.  I don't plan on letting you ever suck my tears, so you'll just have to stay dead.

The rest of this message included a 3 paragraph poem that I couldn't quite decipher, and then a joke at the end about maternity hospitals for men and someone's brother being pregnant.  I read it 4 times and I still don't understand it.  But!  He ended it with 'hahahahaha' so it must have been hilarious.  Must. Have. Been.  

What the hell is wrong with people?  I've never spoken to you before, tear sucker.

Ok, I rambled on enough for this one.  Tomorrow, I will introduce you to the batshit crazy ex boyfriend.  We'll call him...Charlie.  Ok, so that's his real name but whatever.