This post has nothing to do with actual cookies, but I thought it sounded fitting for today. No, I don't know why.
Ok! So it's been awhile and I've been told I need to update the 'Joe' situation. I actually just had to go look to see where I left off.
After all was said and done, I decided to go ahead and just give things a shot with a relationship, thinking that maybe if we were actually *in* one, I could actually look at him as more than a friend...
It didn't work out so much that way. We got together pretty well every day off he had, so usually a couple days during the week, and every other weekend. I spent one weekend up at his place, and really had a lot of fun..we went in the hottub (which was my first time in one) and the next morning went to a gigantic market, the park, a couple gaming stores, a music store (bought the girl some small christmas presents), got pizza and basically just had a really fun day out with his boys. That night we went out for sushi and went to see Contagion, which I liked. Next day we spent just lazing around watching movies and then dropped his boys off and he brought me home. We've hung out quite a bit, like I said...but for me, nothing has changed ><
One weekend, a bit ago, he brought his boys down here for the weekend. We took them (and my boy) to the park, and then up to the Falls to walk around, then to another park up there, Queenston Heights. Now, his one son has some...issues. He's 10 and has been on anti-depressants and anti-psychotics for quite some time now. He tends to beat on his brother quite a bit (who is 11) and in general just isn't a very nice kid.
So this day at the park he was asked to do something he didn't want to (which was just to go check and see if the bathrooms were open) and he threw a fit, said he hated 'this fucking park' and just walked off somewhere. Joe went after him at first and then sort of shrugged and came back. I was appalled. Both his kids drop the f-bomb like it's going out of style, the younger gets suspended from school on a regular basis, as well as sent home throughout the day for punching teachers and assistants. He does not, however, seem to be punished for this, and this is a huge huge thing for me. I don't want to be with someone who has no control over their children, doesn't seem to care about their behaviour problems and won't punish them for doing something wrong. Granted, they do like with their mother 98% of the time, but still...control your kids. My son told me he likes them but doesn't like spending time with them because of how rude and mouthy they are.
Anyway...all these thoughts are in the back of my head as well...my stepson was a 'problem' child and I really didn't want to have to deal with 2 more that were like that....and what if we decided to have another one down the road? Was this child also going to inherit and depression and anxiety? I had to look at the big picture, plus not to mention the fact that there were still no real feelings there. I still wasn't seeing him as more than a friend. Ok, so this brings us to Thanksgiving.
My parents were supposed to be out of town, so I invited Joe and his boys over for Thanksgiving weekend. Then my parents were not going out of town so they were coming too. I didn't want Joe to meet them yet but wasn't about to uninvite people. I had thought it went well, dinner turned out really well (I felt accomplished for it was my first 'big' dinner that I had ever made for a holiday) and the kids all behaved and everyone seemed to get along just fine. Then I get a 'mis-text' from him later, meant for his boys mother, that he had been bored, though it wasn't my fault, he just hated holidays. Ok, 1 - Why did you come if you hate holidays? 2 - I was cooking for something like 8 hours, I'm not sure what exactly he wanted me to do to entertain him while I was in the kitchen all day/evening...perhaps I could have hired some dancing girls.
I don't want to be with someone who hates holidays, I want someone to...help me cook dinner, decorate the tree as a family, help me fill the stockings and talk about what we bought the kids, take them out trick or treating. Not someone who finds all of this 'boring'.
Anyway...it was after that weekend I realized I needed to talk to him about things, but of course didn't want to because I knew he'd get all depressed again. We did talk and I told him I just wasn't feeling it, I wanted to be friends but didn't see it going anywhere else. He didn't take it very well, and the next couple days were spent with both of us in complete misery, him because we were done, and me because he was taking it so badly and it was making me feel horrible. After a couple days, I agreed to see what happened over the course of the next few days....which was nothing. So we talked again the other night and I told him nothing had really changed. We've barely spoken since which is hard because I do care about him, just not in the way he wants me to. So..I miss talking to him but I can't handle the relationship stuff.
Some of his expectations were a bit out there as well...when I told him I was very independent, he said that I wouldn't be able to be, if we were together, because that would be silly. I was like, I'm sorry, this is me, this is what I always will be. I have *had* to be independent to get to where I am today, I am not giving that up nor should I be asked to. He knew from before that I had issues talking about my feelings and such, due to past relationships and not being 'allowed' (for lack of a better word) to talk about them. It just wasn't done, they didn't really care how I felt, so I pretty well stopped doing it. So he pushed me to talk about them, and when I told him I did care about him, his response? 'I have a hard time believing that.' Really?? After you pushed me to finally talk about my feelings, you tell me you don't believe me??? Right. This is the way to get me to open up.
So, all in all it was a variety of reasons as to why it wasn't going to work. There was no spark, his kids, unrealistic expectations, his depression, and his severe need for emotional support and being emotionally needy. I am just totally not that type of person, and am not very supportive when it comes to depression in adults and needing to be constantly coddled. When I told him this he said he had already figured out that I wasn't very supportive. Gee thanks.
Needless to say, I think I made the right decision. I do feel horrible for how he feels and that bothers me but there's nothing I can do. I won't stay in a relationship again just because I feel sorry for the other person, it's not fair to either of us. He needs much more than I can possibly give him, and I just don't see him as the one I spend my life with.
