wtf subconscious?!

Thank you for continuing to make me feel like crap.  After this whole deal last night with D, I then go to bed, toss and turn for hours, and finally fall asleep, only to dream about my ex husband, who yay, rejected me yet again.

Sometimes I think my subconscious is just an asshole who enjoys me feeling horrible.

Time flies...

Which is apparently why I haven't updated anything here in so long.  There's just so much going on..

The boy has turned 12, and I'm sad for so many reasons.  His Dad dropped off some pics from years ago when the boy was only about 7 months old and I really miss those days. I'm happy that he's grown into a thoughtful, caring and sensitive young man, but I miss my baby boy.

In other news...did some Christmas shopping with the mom today over in the US, had a good time and got a decent amount of stuff for the kids. This, at least, makes me happy.

The bestie took me to my Dr's appt last week and we got to talking about the stupid men in our lives. I was telling her my thoughts and feelings of D and how I just didn't understand why the conversations suddenly stopped months and months ago with no reason. How, in one way, it was easier for me to move on with life after a few months went by of not talking to him, but in another way, how much more it made me miss him.  I've spent the last better part of a year wondering if he was ok, how things were going, was he hurt, was he dead, just where the hell was he.  Emails to both addresses were bounced back as non existent, no replies to msn/yahoo messages.  I wasn't allowed to text him once he got with his current gf, so I didn't even have his number anymore.  Even if he wasn't talking to me, I at least wanted to know he was ok.

About 15 minutes ago I got this sudden urge to sign into msn and yahoo, something I haven't done in quite some time unless requested to by someone for a few mins here and there.  As msn is signing in and freezing, I had a fleeting thought about seeing his name pop up as if he had left me an offline message.  Haha fat chance, right?  Wrong.

I see a window show up at the bottom of my screen with his name on it.  And then everything freezes. And I'm panicking, absolutely *needing* to see this message.

So I wait extremely impatiently for msn to stop being a douchebag, and read the messages.  Nothing major, just that he's home sometimes (I assume he means due to travelling for work) and seeing how things are and how he's signed in here and there to see if I'm online, and haven't been...said he'd check later, which he did, and then sent me messages the next few days to see if I was here.  And I wasn't.  Why?  Because I haven't heard from him in probably close to 8 months or so...I had no other reason to log on.

So I left him a message back saying I've tried getting ahold of him, with no luck and that I'd try to sign in more often.

And now...all of these feelings have flooded back into me. I want to grin like a maniac because I know he's ok. I want to jump around with happiness because he messaged me.  But, mostly I want to cry.  I don't even know if I can explain *why* I want to cry.  I want to cry because I stupidly still have hopes that he'll come to his senses.  I want to cry because after months and years of learning to heal and be without him, I feel like my heart has been shattered all over again.  I want to cry because I miss him with so much of myself that it becomes exhausting.

I want to cry because he's not here, and because I know he never will be. I want to cry, remembering all the amazing times that we *did* have together. And I want to cry because there won't be more of them.

As I sit here, writing this...I can't help but glance to my right where one of our fortunes is on my wall from years ago. I don't know if I've told this story, but we had gone for a fancy dinner at the Mandarin. We were at a 4 person table, but instead of sitting across from each other, were sitting sort of beside each other.  At the end of dinner, we got our fortune cookies.  We had the same one.  'Stop searching.  Forever happiness is just next to you'

We laughed about it at first, thinking it was funny and awesome all at the same time.  We *were* next to one another.  He ran around looking at other peoples tables to see if anyone else had that fortune, like maybe a big batch came in and were all the same.  None of the other ones were the same, to ours or anyone else's that he checked.  I still think it meant something.  I used to keep them both in my wallet, until one got ripped and had to be thrown out, so I took the other one out, just a couple of weeks ago and put it on the wall by my desk.  Can't bring myself to get rid of it.

I know, in my head, that things are long since done.  My heart, however, refuses to catch up and holds on to this shimmery string of hope for the future. Silly heart.

Summerish Things

Well, as usual, the summer has been crazy.  I was sick for a million years, started out with flu like symptoms, then a sore throat so bad basically all I did was sleep and when I wasn't sleeping, I was taking Advil and trying not to cry.  Went to the Dr's 3 times and urgent care once, and they kept telling me it was viral and there was nothing they could do.  After 3 weeks of this, they sent me for more bloodwork....ta-da, I had mono.  Thankfully it cleared up quickly, pain wise, but I still went through weeks of being tired.  The Dr wasn't even thinking of testing me for it, he said, as generally by the time someone is 4, they have been exposed and developed immunities to mono.  On top of that, even if you don't have immunities for it, less than 10% of people exposed to it, contract it.  Don't I just have ALL the luck!

Few days later, the girl has a sore throat.  I immediately phone the Dr's, they get her in the same day...they do a strep test and we go for bloodwork.  A couple days later, the Dr calls me....mono came back positive...as we knew it most likely would.  Oh, but hey, her strep test also came back positive.  Poor kid must have my amazing immune system.

On a good note, the girl just turned 15.  I kept a human alive for 15 years. This still boggles my mind.

Now, I know you've all been waiting for this....the dating site update.  I think half the fun of these sites, are seeing just exactly how many ridiculous messages you can rack up.

Here are a few recent ones:

(this one is kind of long and from Nigeria) 'Hi Pretty Angel, How are you doing today?, i hope you are fine, My name is Nkem J, I was browsing through this site, and i came across your profile and was damn fascinated by your cool and beautiful look.... Truth must be told, you are really gorgeous, You look so young and too cool for your age. I really want to get to meet you, so we could know more about each other, who knows, cupid could visit us, as i am single now seriously searching for a pretty, lady like u that  i can settle down with and i would be grateful reading your reply, but until then, keep that cute you as sexy as ever. Sending you hot kisses and hugs, just hope they find you across the miles with you and get to know more about you there.  I will be waiting for your positive reply...'

Ok, so points for spelling. Not so much for grammar and punctuation.  It drives me crazy when they call women 'Pretty' or 'Pretty Angel' as if it's our name.  However, it's better than:

(from Delaware) 'Hello Charming, How are you doing today???'

Charming?  I already have a name.  Also, I'm not a Prince.

There's this little (long) tidbit from Malaysia...

'Hey!!!.
Writing to someone you have never met or talked to before,I think its extremely difficult. Take this message for instance,I had all the words in my head but could not seem to put a coherent sentence together, was going to start with hello, hi there , whats up lol...... or hey, how are you today??... but it just seemed too blunt for me so I went with Hey!. Anyway I will get to the pulse of it all.I saw your profile , thought i should send you an e-mail . feel free to take a look at my profile, let me know what you think about it all. Let me tell you a secret , My name is Cali..lol.....I will be looking forward to read from you soon.'

1: What?

2: Your name is on your profile, it's not a secret.

3: What?

Then there's this guy who must have been so tired, he couldn't even finish typing out words:

'hi how r y'

Another from Malaysia which was like getting a weird fortune cookie...

'all things that u need will come to you in perfect time. Just keep smiling :)'

Kind of sweet, but also kind of weird.

And that's all from one site.  Nothing much to report on the other ones, except a very unattractive man, in another country, whom, after already telling him I was not interested in a long distance relationship, sends me messages numerous times a day and they all say 'hi sexy' or 'am fine how are u sexy'.  I've sent him one message.  So it goes something like this:

Him: hi how r u today (ugh)

Me: I'm good, thank you for asking.  I appreciate your email, however, I am not interested in a long distance relationship with anyone, but good luck in your search!  (Nice and polite, right?)

Him: hi sexy

Him: am fine how are u sexy

Him am fine how are u sexy

Him: hi sexy

Him: am fine how are u sexy

Him: hi sexy

You get the idea.  This has been going on for approx 8 days now, with anywhere from 4 (minimum) to 11 (!!!!) messages per day.  I haven't blocked him yet, because I'd like to see how many he can get up to in a day.

So, there you have it.  The joys of internet dating.

Also, I have no idea why that one message is blocked out in white...and I have no idea how to fix it.  If you highlight it, you can read it... >.>

I'm still alive!

It's been awhile!  Lots has been going on, yet nothing, all at once.  My job was over in January, and I was horribly sick all through Christmas with a sinus and throat infection along with Bronchitis. Now, I've just gotten over mono, as well as the girl, who had/has mono and strep throat.  The boy got his green belt at Jiu Jitsu and is now taking a break for the summer.  We also have a new addition to our family....the girl's gf moved in here in May.  She was not getting much support from home, in fact, was getting the opposite and was becoming very depressed.  So, now she's here with us, and things are moving along well.  We've had mostly a quiet summer, with me and/or the kids being sick.

So, on to more fun things.  I did rejoin some dating/networking sites.  Unfortunately there hasn't been anything too interesting.  I did meet one guy a few times, but same sort of thing as before, there's just really nothing there.  I'm sure we'll still hang out here and there, but that's about it.  I also talked to another guy for a bit, but really all he does is complain about his ex, and court and everything else.  

One particular site that I'm on, does seem to have an abundance of men from Morocco, Qatar, etc.  They always call you 'Pretty' as if it's your name.  This drives me a little insane.  Then they go into the whole 'I will really like to meet you' part of things. I ignore these ones because most of them are scammers.  I did get quite an interesting message yesterday though, from 'James':

Hello how are you doing i can see you have a pure heart overflowing with love, innocence, kindness, charity,sensitivity,truth,loyalty,beauty,and all things good.because I see all of these special qualities in you.You're a magical spark in a world that sometimes seems dark.Your light never fails to touch my heart and soul leaving behind a feeling of peace and an assurance that goodness truly exists Your light never fails to touch my heart and soul leaving behind a feeling of peace and an assurance that goodness truly exists in the world. Thank you for being you Am a man with great achievements are respected not for the things they really do but for the choices they make .i have decide to be a simple ,loving and impacting person who apart from the achievements of great feet i have planned to have also plan to have a very loving wife and family ..for this is the secret to happiness in life.... am not here for games or drama

Well...umm...wow.  He can see a lot in a picture.  So much, that he has to repeat himself.  For the record, I've never talked to this guy before, ever.