wtf subconscious?!

Thank you for continuing to make me feel like crap.  After this whole deal last night with D, I then go to bed, toss and turn for hours, and finally fall asleep, only to dream about my ex husband, who yay, rejected me yet again.

Sometimes I think my subconscious is just an asshole who enjoys me feeling horrible.

Time flies...

Which is apparently why I haven't updated anything here in so long.  There's just so much going on..

The boy has turned 12, and I'm sad for so many reasons.  His Dad dropped off some pics from years ago when the boy was only about 7 months old and I really miss those days. I'm happy that he's grown into a thoughtful, caring and sensitive young man, but I miss my baby boy.

In other news...did some Christmas shopping with the mom today over in the US, had a good time and got a decent amount of stuff for the kids. This, at least, makes me happy.

The bestie took me to my Dr's appt last week and we got to talking about the stupid men in our lives. I was telling her my thoughts and feelings of D and how I just didn't understand why the conversations suddenly stopped months and months ago with no reason. How, in one way, it was easier for me to move on with life after a few months went by of not talking to him, but in another way, how much more it made me miss him.  I've spent the last better part of a year wondering if he was ok, how things were going, was he hurt, was he dead, just where the hell was he.  Emails to both addresses were bounced back as non existent, no replies to msn/yahoo messages.  I wasn't allowed to text him once he got with his current gf, so I didn't even have his number anymore.  Even if he wasn't talking to me, I at least wanted to know he was ok.

About 15 minutes ago I got this sudden urge to sign into msn and yahoo, something I haven't done in quite some time unless requested to by someone for a few mins here and there.  As msn is signing in and freezing, I had a fleeting thought about seeing his name pop up as if he had left me an offline message.  Haha fat chance, right?  Wrong.

I see a window show up at the bottom of my screen with his name on it.  And then everything freezes. And I'm panicking, absolutely *needing* to see this message.

So I wait extremely impatiently for msn to stop being a douchebag, and read the messages.  Nothing major, just that he's home sometimes (I assume he means due to travelling for work) and seeing how things are and how he's signed in here and there to see if I'm online, and haven't been...said he'd check later, which he did, and then sent me messages the next few days to see if I was here.  And I wasn't.  Why?  Because I haven't heard from him in probably close to 8 months or so...I had no other reason to log on.

So I left him a message back saying I've tried getting ahold of him, with no luck and that I'd try to sign in more often.

And now...all of these feelings have flooded back into me. I want to grin like a maniac because I know he's ok. I want to jump around with happiness because he messaged me.  But, mostly I want to cry.  I don't even know if I can explain *why* I want to cry.  I want to cry because I stupidly still have hopes that he'll come to his senses.  I want to cry because after months and years of learning to heal and be without him, I feel like my heart has been shattered all over again.  I want to cry because I miss him with so much of myself that it becomes exhausting.

I want to cry because he's not here, and because I know he never will be. I want to cry, remembering all the amazing times that we *did* have together. And I want to cry because there won't be more of them.

As I sit here, writing this...I can't help but glance to my right where one of our fortunes is on my wall from years ago. I don't know if I've told this story, but we had gone for a fancy dinner at the Mandarin. We were at a 4 person table, but instead of sitting across from each other, were sitting sort of beside each other.  At the end of dinner, we got our fortune cookies.  We had the same one.  'Stop searching.  Forever happiness is just next to you'

We laughed about it at first, thinking it was funny and awesome all at the same time.  We *were* next to one another.  He ran around looking at other peoples tables to see if anyone else had that fortune, like maybe a big batch came in and were all the same.  None of the other ones were the same, to ours or anyone else's that he checked.  I still think it meant something.  I used to keep them both in my wallet, until one got ripped and had to be thrown out, so I took the other one out, just a couple of weeks ago and put it on the wall by my desk.  Can't bring myself to get rid of it.

I know, in my head, that things are long since done.  My heart, however, refuses to catch up and holds on to this shimmery string of hope for the future. Silly heart.

Summerish Things

Well, as usual, the summer has been crazy.  I was sick for a million years, started out with flu like symptoms, then a sore throat so bad basically all I did was sleep and when I wasn't sleeping, I was taking Advil and trying not to cry.  Went to the Dr's 3 times and urgent care once, and they kept telling me it was viral and there was nothing they could do.  After 3 weeks of this, they sent me for more bloodwork....ta-da, I had mono.  Thankfully it cleared up quickly, pain wise, but I still went through weeks of being tired.  The Dr wasn't even thinking of testing me for it, he said, as generally by the time someone is 4, they have been exposed and developed immunities to mono.  On top of that, even if you don't have immunities for it, less than 10% of people exposed to it, contract it.  Don't I just have ALL the luck!

Few days later, the girl has a sore throat.  I immediately phone the Dr's, they get her in the same day...they do a strep test and we go for bloodwork.  A couple days later, the Dr calls me....mono came back positive...as we knew it most likely would.  Oh, but hey, her strep test also came back positive.  Poor kid must have my amazing immune system.

On a good note, the girl just turned 15.  I kept a human alive for 15 years. This still boggles my mind.

Now, I know you've all been waiting for this....the dating site update.  I think half the fun of these sites, are seeing just exactly how many ridiculous messages you can rack up.

Here are a few recent ones:

(this one is kind of long and from Nigeria) 'Hi Pretty Angel, How are you doing today?, i hope you are fine, My name is Nkem J, I was browsing through this site, and i came across your profile and was damn fascinated by your cool and beautiful look.... Truth must be told, you are really gorgeous, You look so young and too cool for your age. I really want to get to meet you, so we could know more about each other, who knows, cupid could visit us, as i am single now seriously searching for a pretty, lady like u that  i can settle down with and i would be grateful reading your reply, but until then, keep that cute you as sexy as ever. Sending you hot kisses and hugs, just hope they find you across the miles with you and get to know more about you there.  I will be waiting for your positive reply...'

Ok, so points for spelling. Not so much for grammar and punctuation.  It drives me crazy when they call women 'Pretty' or 'Pretty Angel' as if it's our name.  However, it's better than:

(from Delaware) 'Hello Charming, How are you doing today???'

Charming?  I already have a name.  Also, I'm not a Prince.

There's this little (long) tidbit from Malaysia...

'Hey!!!.
Writing to someone you have never met or talked to before,I think its extremely difficult. Take this message for instance,I had all the words in my head but could not seem to put a coherent sentence together, was going to start with hello, hi there , whats up lol...... or hey, how are you today??... but it just seemed too blunt for me so I went with Hey!. Anyway I will get to the pulse of it all.I saw your profile , thought i should send you an e-mail . feel free to take a look at my profile, let me know what you think about it all. Let me tell you a secret , My name is Cali..lol.....I will be looking forward to read from you soon.'

1: What?

2: Your name is on your profile, it's not a secret.

3: What?

Then there's this guy who must have been so tired, he couldn't even finish typing out words:

'hi how r y'

Another from Malaysia which was like getting a weird fortune cookie...

'all things that u need will come to you in perfect time. Just keep smiling :)'

Kind of sweet, but also kind of weird.

And that's all from one site.  Nothing much to report on the other ones, except a very unattractive man, in another country, whom, after already telling him I was not interested in a long distance relationship, sends me messages numerous times a day and they all say 'hi sexy' or 'am fine how are u sexy'.  I've sent him one message.  So it goes something like this:

Him: hi how r u today (ugh)

Me: I'm good, thank you for asking.  I appreciate your email, however, I am not interested in a long distance relationship with anyone, but good luck in your search!  (Nice and polite, right?)

Him: hi sexy

Him: am fine how are u sexy

Him am fine how are u sexy

Him: hi sexy

Him: am fine how are u sexy

Him: hi sexy

You get the idea.  This has been going on for approx 8 days now, with anywhere from 4 (minimum) to 11 (!!!!) messages per day.  I haven't blocked him yet, because I'd like to see how many he can get up to in a day.

So, there you have it.  The joys of internet dating.

Also, I have no idea why that one message is blocked out in white...and I have no idea how to fix it.  If you highlight it, you can read it... >.>

I'm still alive!

It's been awhile!  Lots has been going on, yet nothing, all at once.  My job was over in January, and I was horribly sick all through Christmas with a sinus and throat infection along with Bronchitis. Now, I've just gotten over mono, as well as the girl, who had/has mono and strep throat.  The boy got his green belt at Jiu Jitsu and is now taking a break for the summer.  We also have a new addition to our family....the girl's gf moved in here in May.  She was not getting much support from home, in fact, was getting the opposite and was becoming very depressed.  So, now she's here with us, and things are moving along well.  We've had mostly a quiet summer, with me and/or the kids being sick.

So, on to more fun things.  I did rejoin some dating/networking sites.  Unfortunately there hasn't been anything too interesting.  I did meet one guy a few times, but same sort of thing as before, there's just really nothing there.  I'm sure we'll still hang out here and there, but that's about it.  I also talked to another guy for a bit, but really all he does is complain about his ex, and court and everything else.  

One particular site that I'm on, does seem to have an abundance of men from Morocco, Qatar, etc.  They always call you 'Pretty' as if it's your name.  This drives me a little insane.  Then they go into the whole 'I will really like to meet you' part of things. I ignore these ones because most of them are scammers.  I did get quite an interesting message yesterday though, from 'James':

Hello how are you doing i can see you have a pure heart overflowing with love, innocence, kindness, charity,sensitivity,truth,loyalty,beauty,and all things good.because I see all of these special qualities in you.You're a magical spark in a world that sometimes seems dark.Your light never fails to touch my heart and soul leaving behind a feeling of peace and an assurance that goodness truly exists Your light never fails to touch my heart and soul leaving behind a feeling of peace and an assurance that goodness truly exists in the world. Thank you for being you Am a man with great achievements are respected not for the things they really do but for the choices they make .i have decide to be a simple ,loving and impacting person who apart from the achievements of great feet i have planned to have also plan to have a very loving wife and family ..for this is the secret to happiness in life.... am not here for games or drama

Well...umm...wow.  He can see a lot in a picture.  So much, that he has to repeat himself.  For the record, I've never talked to this guy before, ever.

Care to cram anything else in there?

My life, people, get your mind out of the gutter.

Now that my uterus has stopped trying to kill me, I thought I'd do a little update.  Joe and I have remained friends, minus a couple fights when he was being completely unreasonable.  Ok, that's about all there is there.

The girl is loving high school and is doing very well in all her classes.  I'm trying to convince her to try out for the rowing club.  I haven't been very successful.

The boy made the Jr Volleyball team at school, on the A-List, so he was happy, he also received his orange belt in his Japanese Jiu Jitsu classed and moved up an age level so is now with older kids.  He also just had his 11th birthday...time is flying by and I can't seem to slow it down.

In other news...I finally found a freaking job.  It's working from home, doing inbound customer service for a big electronics store.  It's only temp, until sometime in January, but hey, at least it's something for a little while and will give me a little extra for Christmas.

We're also going to be moving at some point, putting in my name to the co-op housing here...basically you pay a percentage of what your income is per month.  It'll get us out of this house and away from the memories here.  Plus will give me a chance to actually save up some money for a change so I can get a car.

I also have a cold right now and have been sleeping a crazy amount.  Along with feeling like crap.  I coughed so much I burst blood vessels in my eye.  And I whined to myself a lot since there was no one else here to listen to me.

So after the whole 'Joe' thing, I'm debating checking out some dating websites again....maybe I'll have some good stories to tell again!

Oh yeah, a friend and myself started walking every night for an hour or so, sometimes a little more...we finally decided to get pedometers and found we were walking like a mile and a half at least, every night.  So that was kind of cool.  Now we've joined this 'Zumba' class, twice a week.  It's this dance aerobic deal, and I'm actually having a fantastic time with it.  I really look forward to going and its helping to remind me to stop putting bad things into my mouth.

My head is about to explode so that's all you get for now.

Who else wants cookies?

This post has nothing to do with actual cookies, but I thought it sounded fitting for today.  No, I don't know why.

Ok!  So it's been awhile and I've been told I need to update the 'Joe' situation.  I actually just had to go look to see where I left off.

After all was said and done, I decided to go ahead and just give things a shot with a relationship, thinking that maybe if we were actually *in* one, I could actually look at him as more than a friend...

It didn't work out so much that way.  We got together pretty well every day off he had, so usually a couple days during the week, and every other weekend.  I spent one weekend up at his place, and really had a lot of fun..we went in the hottub (which was my first time in one) and the next morning went to a gigantic market, the park, a couple gaming stores, a music store (bought the girl some small christmas presents), got pizza and basically just had a really fun day out with his boys.  That night we went out for sushi and went to see Contagion, which I liked.  Next day we spent just lazing around watching movies and then dropped his boys off and he brought me home.  We've hung out quite a bit, like I said...but for me, nothing has changed ><

One weekend, a bit ago, he brought his boys down here for the weekend.  We took them (and my boy) to the park, and then up to the Falls to walk around, then to another park up there, Queenston Heights.  Now, his one son has some...issues.  He's 10 and has been on anti-depressants and anti-psychotics for quite some time now.  He tends to beat on his brother quite a bit (who is 11) and in general just isn't a very nice kid.

So this day at the park he was asked to do something he didn't want to (which was just to go check and see if the bathrooms were open) and he threw a fit, said he hated 'this fucking park' and just walked off somewhere.  Joe went after him at first and then sort of shrugged and came back.  I was appalled.  Both his kids drop the f-bomb like it's going out of style, the younger gets suspended from school on a regular basis, as well as sent home throughout the day for punching teachers and assistants.  He does not, however, seem to be punished for this, and this is a huge huge thing for me.  I don't want to be with someone who has no control over their children, doesn't seem to care about their behaviour problems and won't punish them for doing something wrong.  Granted, they do like with their mother 98% of the time, but still...control your kids.  My son told me he likes them but doesn't like spending time with them because of how rude and mouthy they are.

Anyway...all these thoughts are in the back of my head as well...my stepson was a 'problem' child and I really didn't want to have to deal with 2 more that were like that....and what if we decided to have another one down the road?  Was this child also going to inherit and depression and anxiety?  I had to look at the big picture, plus not to mention the fact that there were still no real feelings there.  I still wasn't seeing him as more than a friend.  Ok, so this brings us to Thanksgiving.

My parents were supposed to be out of town, so I invited Joe and his boys over for Thanksgiving weekend.  Then my parents were not going out of town so they were coming too.  I didn't want Joe to meet them yet but wasn't about to uninvite people.  I had thought it went well, dinner turned out really well (I felt accomplished for it was my first 'big' dinner that I had ever made for a holiday) and the kids all behaved and everyone seemed to get along just fine.  Then I get a 'mis-text' from him later, meant for his boys mother, that he had been bored, though it wasn't my fault, he just hated holidays.  Ok, 1 - Why did you come if you hate holidays? 2 - I was cooking for something like 8 hours, I'm not sure what exactly he wanted me to do to entertain him while I was in the kitchen all day/evening...perhaps I could have hired some dancing girls.

I don't want to be with someone who hates holidays, I want someone to...help me cook dinner, decorate the tree as a family, help me fill the stockings and talk about what we bought the kids, take them out trick or treating.  Not someone who finds all of this 'boring'.

Anyway...it was after that weekend I realized I needed to talk to him about things, but of course didn't want to because I knew he'd get all depressed again.  We did talk and I told him I just wasn't feeling it, I wanted to be friends but didn't see it going anywhere else.  He didn't take it very well, and the next couple days were spent with both of us in complete misery, him because we were done, and me because he was taking it so badly and it was making me feel horrible.  After a couple days, I agreed to see what happened over the course of the next few days....which was nothing.  So we talked again the other night and I told him nothing had really changed.  We've barely spoken since which is hard because I do care about him, just not in the way he wants me to.  So..I miss talking to him but I can't handle the relationship stuff.

Some of his expectations were a bit out there as well...when I told him I was very independent, he said that I wouldn't be able to be, if we were together, because that would be silly.  I was like, I'm sorry, this is me, this is what I always will be.  I have *had* to be independent to get to where I am today, I am not giving that up nor should I be asked to.  He knew from before that I had issues talking about my feelings and such, due to past relationships and not being 'allowed' (for lack of a better word) to talk about them.  It just wasn't done, they didn't really care how I felt, so I pretty well stopped doing it.  So he pushed me to talk about them, and when I told him I did care about him, his response?  'I have a hard time believing that.'  Really??  After you pushed me to finally talk about my feelings, you tell me you don't believe me???  Right.  This is the way to get me to open up.

So, all in all it was a variety of reasons as to why it wasn't going to work.  There was no spark, his kids, unrealistic expectations, his depression, and his severe need for emotional support and being emotionally needy.  I am just totally not that type of person, and am not very supportive when it comes to depression in adults and needing to be constantly coddled.  When I told him this he said he had already figured out that I wasn't very supportive.  Gee thanks.

Needless to say, I think I made the right decision.  I do feel horrible for how he feels and that bothers me but there's nothing I can do.  I won't stay in a relationship again just because I feel sorry for the other person, it's not fair to either of us.  He needs much more than I can possibly give him, and I just don't see him as the one I spend my life with.

Ok, so now what?

Been a weird week.  Sunday night 'Joe' came down, we watched movies until shortly before 6am, then I woke up the girl for school and passed out cold for about 5 hours.  Got the boy sent over to his grandmothers and 'Joe' and I headed out for our 'date day'.  Headed up to Niagara Falls, parked and walked to Mr Sub to eat lunch, and then to Starbucks for a frappuccino.  Then we walked forever down to the falls.  Hung out watching the water for a bit, and then bought tickets for Journey Behind the Falls (which was cool because it was one of the few things I've never done there before).  Was awhile before it started so we walked allllll the way to the Botanical Gardens and wandered around.  Then walked all the way *back* to the Journey behind the Falls building.  It was pretty cool, had fun, got some nice pics.

So then we walked back towards Clifton Hill, by this time my legs were begging to just be left alone to die.  We start walking up the hill when all of a sudden he stops and turns to me and asks, 'Do you trust me?'  And I'm all 'uhhh...what?'  So he asks me again and I say 'Um, I don't know?' So he drags me into the Haunted House and I'm like ahhhhh no.  I put up a bit of a fight...but he still won.  I made him go first and clutched either his shirt or his arm the entire time (which I think was probably his plan :P) 

Anyway, after that fiasco, we made it to the top of the hill alive, where I had to stop for awhile.  We started discussing dinner, and had decided on the casino buffet.  Then I realized it was like a half hour walk away still and I almost started to cry  lol  All of a sudden TGI Fridays loomed and we changed our mind and ate there.  Food was great, but then when we left, I realized not only was it still fucking hot but now I was also so full I could barely move....and the car was still 30 mins away.  We finally made it to the car, with me turning into somewhat of a whiner on the way.  Got home, talked to the kids and then he left to head home since its a little over 90 mins away and he had to be at work for 3:30 the next morning.

He said he would like to come down again Thursday night/Friday so I said that was fine.  The day out felt like a day out with a friend though.  And I told him that.  Also told him that maybe it will just take some time to get over the 'friend zone' thing.

So he comes down Thursday straight from work in his little airport uniform, and again, we watched movies and stuff most of the night.  Next day I wasn't feeling too great, so we didn't do much.  Went out for lunch, took the girl to her dads house, and then just came back here and watched another movie before he left.

Again...still no different than just hanging out with a friend.  I like the guy, he's thoughtful and sweet, gentle mannered, and doesn't act like he's 9.  But there's no 'spark'.  I don't know whether it's because I've only seen him as just a friend for so long or what, but I knew that it wouldn't be able to turn into anything serious.

I talked to him about it yesterday and needless to say he was a little crushed.  I felt like crap for hurting his feelings, although not intentionally.  He logged off and said if I wanted to talk to him later I could call, but that he was getting off the computer.  I didn't call because I didn't know what to say.  We spoke today while he was at work, and he said he was better and I let him know why I didn't call.  Things seemed to be ok but I could tell the dynamics had changed.
 
Now...he had been seeing this other girl when he told me that he had feelings for me.  He had told me about her previously and told me how somewhat crazy she was and that he was ending things with her as soon as he could see her in person again (which was supposed to be before he came down here the first time but she canceled).  Now he's not the player type, he's always been committed and loyal, so I wasn't worried that's that what he was doing.  So all this time we spent together this past week, he had still been technically dating her, though she hadn't so much as talked to him in a week. 


So he tells me that tonight he's going to her place to finish things off.  Then tonight he tells me he didn't, that she was 'very' happy to see him and had missed him etc and how different her attitude was this time.  So now I'm wondering if he was going to break up with her only if I said 'yes' and that because I didn't, he's staying with her just as a fallback type thing...he said he didn't want to stay with her just because he was lonely, but...I dunno, it seems weird. 

We'll see what happens, I do kind of miss talking to him as much as we had been in the last little bit, but I also know if I were to decide to give things a try, in the long run it wouldn't work.  There's just none of that relationship attraction going on at all.  Maybe it's time to check out the dating sites again and end up with some great stories to share :p

One of the underground tunnels we were in.  That opening right there?  Yeah that's Niagara Falls, we were in a tunnel behind it.  I was impressed.